Motherhood and Fantasies
I had romantic ideas about motherhood
They were exactly that …ideas
I imagined the perfect partner ..you know the one that totally gets you, shows up exactly when you need them, ever so reliable ,supportive and understanding
One that is on the same page with how and when to conceive ( at the perfect astrological alignments on the full moon…blah blah blah .. of course birthing at home and breastfeeding long term following attachment style methods ..co sleeping with our baby and and and….
Of course our baby would be swaddled in oodles of love, safety , oxytocin and fully present ,conscious ,no sleep deprived parents …ohhh and we would have the skill set to process our trauma triggers and thrive ….
Ha ha ..was i in for a shock…yes the safe homebirth happened and an amazing soul entered this world …
The rest ..hmmm was a massive learning curve of humbling my expectations , fantasies and landed me on earth ..both feet on the ground!
So the journey of one of the most profound initiations of life was gifted to me by the gods
Sink or swim..
So i surrendered and trusted , called on faith, delved deep into my being, cried, screamed , numbed out, disappeared into darkness and moved several countries along the way …
Eventually i had to face myself in all honesty , raw, unedited ,candid me with all my flaws, inadequecies ,fears, guilt, shame , rage and grief …
I bare naked my soul, my heart ,my being
For the first time i felt real.. there was somebody home to show up for me, for my child
Strength and resilience wasn’t that unfamiliar to me
Courage and faith grew deep in my being and one breath , one step at a time i moved..
I carried my children, both my son and the one within me
I held them both and we started a new journey together
Bumbling and fumbling our way through
Discovering, learning, exploring , falling and standing up again and again..
I forgot there was no instruction manual for my fantasy …or i forgot to read it..
Wouldn’t be the first time!
I like creating my own manual along the way and ripping it up many times and trying out something new and see what grows..
We grew , my child and I …we both did and continue to be amazed at what sprouted when we least expected it..
No fantasies, but i am still a dreamer , a weaver and believer in creating a masterpiece that can be messy , confusing ,scary, lonely and unknown along the way .
Wisdom teaches me that this is ok and part of the natural cycle of motherhood and life
I can now rest into these times and know a greater mystery is taking care of the perfection of life ….
Then the miracle of life creates and births something that words can not explain and i am in awe…
Nilanthi
